I listened to this song for months before I searched for the meaning, I was pretty stumped. To be honest I am bias most of the time when listening to music of finding meaning in a song, usually defaulting to thinking it is about love or an intimate relationship. My head was screaming, “it has to be about love!!!” I, was once again, proved wrong.
It was hard for me to see the clear meaning because I heard the song as one person singing, when in fact Brendan is the sole singer, but he takes on the role of two different people. This is a great example of how the music video aids in clearly seeing the two different roles.
From my research it appears that the song is about Brendan and former bandmate Spencer. For this song I’m going to break it down a little differently than I have in the past. We will hit the lyrics section by section to see what role Brendan is taking on. Again, this is how I am interpreting it and might be way off.
We start with Brendan.
Video: Brendan is lying calmly on a hospital gurney and singing.
This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories
Spencer.
Video: Brendan, as Spencer, is lying on the gurney unresponsive while doctors start to examine him.
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
Brendan.
Video: doctors continue examining and place an X where the heart is.
Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven't seen the best of us yet
Spencer:
Video: Brendan, as Spencer, removes his oxygen mask and sits up to scream the song. He is fighting against the doctors, but they are able to hold him down and sedate him.
If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
Brenden.
Video: A conscious Brendan is being dressed and prepared for his funeral/burial and then is nailed into a coffin. Water starts to pour in, he is calm and accepts his fate and slowly goes under water.
This is gospel for the vagabonds
Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart
Don't try to sleep through the end of the world and bury me alive
'Cause I won't give up without a fight
Spencer.
Video: Brendan, as Spencer, sits up and breaks out of the coffin and runs out with a rush of water after him. He is breaking through walls until doctor hands are able to catch up to him and lay him down on the gurney. When they open his shirt his insides are just a rope that seems to be never ending but then somehow is wrapped around him. He continues to try to escape the rope but it becomes almost arm like and grabs ahold of a running Spencer who cannot break free. He is then shown breaking free, but in the next clip he is on the gurney again with the oxygen mask being laid down by the doctor and a heart monitor flatlines.
If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
The fear of falling apart
The fear, the fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
(This is the beat of my heart
This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
I know that this is ALOT. When I read the meaning and rewatched the video I started bawling, and still get emotional. For it to be so clear after months of trying to figure it out was crazy to me.
I empathize with the parts of the song that are “Spencer”.
“Cause these words are knives and often leave scars,” hits me really hard. In the past I have volunteered with nonprofits that help with mental health, depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. This lyric is gives the visual of someone who suffers with self injury. I’ve been struggling to eloquently explain this. It seems to get twisted and sounds fake and disingenuous. Instead of giving what-ifs or hypotheticals I will simply say sometimes when we try to help others our words can be misconstrued and twisted into something negative which in turn can impact them physically if suffering with self injury.
“The fear, the fear of falling apart,” again falling apart looks different to everyone. This makes me think of the saying, “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Sure everyone fears falling apart, but what happens when it is the last straw, when falling apart takes a toll on not only you, but those around you both physically and mentally. No one wants to fall apart, but, it’s even harder to put it all back together, and sometimes you can’t do it alone, there are too many tiny parts and pieces. For someone who already feels alone, falling apart could be the end for them.
Tattoo-able Lyric: If you love me let me go
The Video:
Amanda's Mixed Tape Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1NA0rb6vFKQe85mKja8lth?si=hT0ZhKwzQvWEanXNiJQjXQ